The biggest problem I have been facing recently will sound odd, but hear me out. Being myself. For years, I have strived for perfection, which most people understand that doesn’t exist. When I was growing up, I had a mindset that I had to be whatever someone else wanted. As I’m sure that anyone who could read this could understand, that can get messy. The bigger problem is each time someone came into my life, friend or love interest, I felt I needed to be their version of perfect. Since most people’s perfect are different from others, I couldn’t please everyone at once, so I would have to cling to one particular perfect, but it was never actually me. This got particularly bad when I found guys who wanted me to be their “dream girl”. Since I was looking to be the image of perfection to be accepted this quickly became a problem that I would be anything I needed to be, but I was never truly happy. For a very long time, I kept going on, changing for each person hoping that one day I would change into something I enjoyed. Up until I was 21 this was the case, keep changing, put on a new mask and you’ll seem perfect, that means they won’t leave, right?
I met a guy that brought my life to a screaming halt. It was so startling to me that everything halted with meeting him I was scared. Thankfully, he didn’t really let me run away. For the first time in forever, he asked about me, and when I gave an answer he noticed, it was a fake. It was so shocking to me, that someone noticed the mask I had been wearing that when someone pointed it out, I almost fell apart. As time went on, him and I grew closer and he began to point out that I wasn’t me. Eventually I gave in and begged him to help me be me, everytime I tried it was just a different mask. It was frustrating; I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
The years to follow were some of the most difficult. Not only did he make me realize what my faults were but also he made me realize who was stopping me from continuing. The harsh realization began to eat at me. For so many years, I had been about others and ignoring myself completely, yet he wants me to think about me more, it was so strange.
Now I stand here closer to myself than I’ve ever been. My fears still lie here and I need to take care of them. I have managed to make so much progress and ripped off all the masks as far as I’m aware. I’ve have to get away from certain people in my life to make sure they don’t pull me back down. Now all that is left is my own insecurities that are causing me to want to be afraid of being me. It is such an odd thought to think of being scared of yourself, but it’s true. As my life continues, I intend to accept myself fully, gain more confidence and continue back to my want of creating a book.
The last time I tried to write, I let others tell me how awful I was at writing and I scrapped the whole thing. A couple weeks after I did I managed to write what I remembered, sadly it was only the prologue and chapter one and then a scene from what later on. I didn’t remember anything else, which was rather sad. I hope that I will be able to write once more, maybe a new book idea of finish that one.
The guy that woke me up almost 4 years ago, is still beside me now, and I know he won’t let me fall back into that mess and for that, I have much to be thankful for.