When it comes in confidence, it is mostly reliant to how you feel about yourself. Seeing as my whole life has been spent behind a collection of masks, it’s hard to accept the me I’ve been hiding. It has been a long journey to be me, and even then, I’m terrified to show other sides of me. Most people have straightforward traits that mesh well. My traits are a train wreck. The traits I show to everyone would be shy, quiet, caring loyal, creative and determined. Those who get closer see competitive, overprotective, and overcritical of a little psycho and myself. The side I’m afraid of is kind of a bitch.
For anime fans, the side I show is the typical sweet selfless girl. My friends see the yandere and the side I hide is the tsundere. When it comes to confidence, it’s hard to have when you only accept part of yourself. The other issue would be my condition. No matter how hard I try, when I look in the mirror I see something false. Body dysmorphic disorder is something I’ve had since high school. It caused me to go to such extremes I even turned to anorexia for a time. Even now, I fight this, thankfully not as bad. I constantly find myself thinking, maybe I shouldn’t eat today, and maybe it would help. When I look in the mirror, my proportions are skewed to me. My thighs look huge, my chest flat, my stomach like a pregnant girls, my hair looks like a mess always and my face is like butter.
People compliment me sometimes and my instant reaction is shock, followed by doubt.
“They complement me because they feel bad.” It’s what has happened my whole life. I have a measuring tape near me so I can get rid of the dread. It’s hard to say that numbers lie. Though you’d think that would make it worse, it doesn’t, seeing the numbers helps me realize my vision of myself is wrong. Unfortunately, I know what would fix it and I do know why it got so bad. For years, I didn’t eat either daily or only had one meal a day. Why? Because anorexia mostly, or my big lack of confidence that believed I didn’t deserve that. Currently things aren’t as bad. I make sure to at least eat twice daily, and because of that, I have been putting on some weight. Why? I never ate this much, like ever. I know it’s making me healthier, but I also know my body isn’t use to it. Unfortunately, my currently living arrangement makes it hard to eat healthy food, but I’m sure eating something not as healthy is better than not eating at all.
I currently live in the hot south, where 90-degree weather with no windflaw is common. Unfortunately, my current room is without AC, which takes away pretty much all my drive and my want to do nothing but lay around or sleep.
When I am able to get an AC unit, I do plan to start attempting to work out. Not so much for looks, but maybe it would make me feel better, help boost my self-esteem a bit. Normally I always give up before trying because I don’t think I’m able to do it.
The purpose of this entire thing is to point out the importance of confidence. Confidence can be a wonderful thing. If you have enough of it, no one can shake you, you’re able to laugh at yourself and allover be happy with you as a person. Without confidence, well you can turn towards depression, self-loathing, and other horrid things I’d rather not get into. So many things can morph a person, but confidence can help change a bad feel at your own life into a much better life.
While I work on my own confidence, I hope that you either all have it, or aspire to have it for yourself.