There’s a point in your life when you start to realize things that you do that others don’t. For me it’s a couple of things. For example, I have “safe spaces” so to speak. I’m really awkward around new people and new places, I constantly feel out of place and terrified. Once the area and people are more familiar to me, I get use to it and calm down. It’s almost like another get away. A couple example would be the following: having the same homeroom teacher a couple years in a row, having the same cubicle at work and of course, living in the same spot. To most people, changing that up wouldn’t break them apart or cause them any mental grief. For someone like me, it breaks out of my safe limit. I can still manage, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for me. Something as little as moving to a different desk at work, walking into a different room at school can cause a huge streak of panic.
It’s silly to me how I had it for so long yet never really realized what exactly it was. Now that I’m older I find myself panicking and get a bit annoyed. I know it’s silly, really I do, but it seems to be ingrained deep within my psyche.
This little thought blurb came up as I was laying down watching some youtube. I had the last couple days off, had spent some of that time playing some games and the rest of it sleeping or cleaning. I realize I have work tomorrow, but since the last couple days have been relaxed there is a momentary panic that races through me.
How will it be tomorrow?
Did I do anything wrong?
Will I get in trouble?
What if I wake up late?
I can’t afford to lose this job…
And then the panic thoughts set in. Of course, I do this every week, people go to work, then they have days off. For some reason, I panic over this change. It’s infuriating to think that I’ve been reduced to such a fearful person. Sure, I can ignore it, and I always do to push forward, but it’s annoying to know how much of a struggle it is.
Oddly enough, I find a way to calm down by thinking of my muse. He has anxiety to an extreme. Though I have it in a lighter sense, I know I need to be strong for him. There’s something – freeing about knowing that I can be strong enough for him. That I can support him when his anxiety is too much. So even when I’m drowning, I keep finding a way to breathe again.
I guess my point to all of this is, everyone has their hardships, we all struggle differently. Just remember to breathe.