Today’s agenda is very lose because…
OH MY GOSH WE HIT 100 SUBS!
When I first made this website, I told myself I was going to become a great writer. I was going to post all the time and I would let people see my odd style for writing. Let people fall in love, or interest with my characters. I never really planned for my art or crafts to end up on here. I don’t even remember what made me try.
The idea behind Kanna’s Disguise was pretty simple. I was a young girl and I wanted to write and sometimes I wanted to write about people I knew. Instead of being dumb and getting caught when I [inevitably] trash talked them, I took on a pen name. At the time, I was around some people that liked to nickname based on the anime Inuyasha, and me being the short quiet girl I was, got the nickname Kanna. I didn’t see a problem with it, and well it’s kinda went with me ever since. Perhaps this name didn’t hide me nearly as much as I wanted, but it was my thoughts at the time.
Fast forward to now. I want to be a writer. I want to write stories that engage the reader and take them out of their current world and into another. I always felt that I wrote to escape, so I wanted my readers to escape too. Perhaps I take too long in my world creation or my character editing that I’ve gotten a bit away from actual stories, but I feel like I’m improving. Over the year that I’ve had this website I’ve had a lot of change with my writing and my life. Oddly enough you all have stayed, I don’t think anyone’s unsubbed from me, and I thank you all for that. I have many plans for this website and perhaps hitting this 100 subs was what I needed to light a fire.
That aside, as this is not so much about me, and about all of you, we’ll do a bit of a fun thing again. Let me know what you guys want! I’ll put up a poll here soon with the following:
-reviews of games/movies
and again THANK YOU ALL ❤
So I didn’t finish the color on one of my pictures… SORRY!
I thought I could finish it in time, but unfortunately I didn’t. I should be able to upload at least the lines/sketch tomorrow if I don’t finish the colors today. I’ve been a bit busy. Life has been, well as normal hectic. Thankfully it seems I’m catching back up on money issues that I was having, unfortunately I was having money issues about paying off money issues? Haha, ironic I know. Anyways I should be back on track soon, just trying to fight off this depression I’ve been having.
It’s strange for me to talk about depression so often. As a person who’s use to hiding what they feel, it’s strange to be so open about it, but I suppose it’s better than keeping it in. For anyone who has a depression problem, just know you can always fight it. You can always have better days. I know life is bleak sometimes, but keep fighting!
Plans for the upcoming month:
-Sheena art [lined and working on color]
-Demon/Angel art [in progress with lines]
-Thoughts on the world at the moment
-Anime Review: How to raise a boring girlfriend
-Anime Review: Your Name
-100th sub hype?
Hopes/May not happen:
-new background [hopefully]
-game reviews [maybe]
-hopefully a new story or maybe a continuation
I find my life to be like looking into a book. It just feels so surreal. Obviously I know it actually happened, but oftentimes I wonder if it’s fabricated and what I believe to be true isn’t. I find myself lost in thought often, wondering the purpose of my existence. Wondering if I make my muse’s life harder. If there was a blimp in reality and I’m not suppose to exist. People say that you learn to live with your depression, but mine is a gnawing quicksand that threatens to consume me. I don’t know where it came from. I may have created it myself without knowing it, I know that I caused my own self hatred driven out of my want to be perfect. It’s possible I caused my own anxiety and depression issues, but how do you deal with that? Most people would agree that you can’t get rid of depression, that it won’t ever go away fully and you’re stuck dealing with it or focusing on something else so you don’t have to deal with it. For years I’ve just focused on other things, but I’m squishy when it comes to emotions.
Emotions, me and them?
To most, emotions are a part of your existence. You feel sad, happy, lonely, scared or angry. Everyone expresses them differently, to some they put on a fake face and pretend they aren’t there. For me, I am too emotional. If I get really happy I cry, if I’m sad, I cry. If I’m really angry I’ll end up crying. For some reason I can’t handle intense emotions without just crying. I hate it. It makes me seem weak, it makes me feel vulnerable.
Oftentimes we end up looking back on what we’ve had and wondering how we managed to drop so far. Recently this has been true of me, as it has been in the past as well. With my life I look back to when I felt I was more successful. I had my own place, I could afford more, my job paid out more, I felt more free. Currently I’m living with my parents mostly because even though my job pays me almost double minimum wage I still can’t afford a little crappy apartment. I get it, this is one of those times you get a roommate, but I’m not really the social type. That and I don’t trust people to pay their part. I found that I held one job to be better above all my others. Why you ask? It paid more, I was able to support myself, so it seemed to be the best to me. The people weren’t awful, the company screwed me over, but I suppose I’m use to that. Now I’m in a similar company in terms of profession, except now I do tech support. I find myself still having some of the same issues but in different way, but the pay is less.
Now don’t worry, this isn’t an entire complain piece, there is a point to it.
On Monday, I was sitting here thinking about what to do with my life when I noticed a group of people walk by me. That wasn’t too odd, they’ve been hiring a lot of people lately. What made me double take is that I noticed some people. Taking a second look at them, I realized most of the people in that group were from the job that I always think back on. Shocked about this, I grew curious. Why would they leave such a job! The pay was so good! Finally I managed to talk to one later that day, they told me the company took a chance by buying lines in Southern Florida and bluntly enough, the flopped. Apparently their health care per month doubled, most of their benefits either went away or it doubled in price. They changed to a new host company, there was more mandatory overtime and they also laid people off. It find it interesting because of how much I looked back on it. Currently I have a job, and I’m happy I have one, but I constantly looked back on that one as the “what if I stayed” type of thing. Looking at it now, I would have been jobless again. Though it’s harsh to say, I’m somewhat relieved. I don’t have to look back on that job wondering if I missed out on a huge opportunity.
The last piece of this conversation is mostly my mindset currently. I’ve been trying to find direction with my life. Unfortunately I’m one of those people that likes to plan. Since I can’t plan too much that I need to take care of, I’ve just at a loss. I need to get back into college, but I need to pay it first. I need to find a job I don’t feel like is pointless. I sometimes don’t even know what I want. I’ve just been so lost.
Sorry if some of the content seems a bit scatterbrained but at points I just don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.
Hello all! I know that I haven’t posted much as of late but there was a reason, like a legit reason! I wasn’t busy at work, or off getting sick, no no! I was working on a new piece. I decided to try to mix things up. Instead of doing my usual medieval fantasy piece, I tried a Lovecraft piece. My muse is very into the genre itself so the idea wasn’t too far out of reach. Unfortunately, I knew nothing of Lovecraft, meaning the time I was gone was spent reading up on the genre and getting a good grasp before trying to delve into the Lovecraftian universe.
Most of the writing for the world itself is now done. I have compiled a bunch of place history as well as small profiles for the non important characters. Instead of focusing on only one main character I’m doing two, both having separate backgrounds and story line, but they will be starting in the same place, which will be fun. Their personalities will clash quite harshly, but I think that’s half of the appeal.
This post is kind of here to catch up things, explain what’s been going on and intro you into the soon to be new pieces. There is two sketches I need to finish and upload, you should be seeing those soon, and there will be multiple posts for the Lovecraft universe. I’ll be posting the background and information break down separately as to not make the posts too long [apparently if I make things too long, people don’t look]. Anywho, since this is a newer thing for me, drop a like or tell me what you think. I don’t want to continue with something that you guys don’t want. I mean, there’s a little over a hundred total that are a part of this blog [albeit WordPress counts for about 95 I think].
Anywhom! You will be seeing a spam of Lovecraft over the next couple of days or so, there’s your warning!