I constantly find myself sitting in my room, or at work, or in my car thinking about life. I can’t seem to help myself. I constantly reflect on where I am now compared to where I was like a year ago, or maybe five years ago, and so on. Lately I’ve been thinking about college, I know I want to go back. I know I need to go back. I need to do it for me. I’ve been trying to save up the money to pay back the last term where my whole university account was messed up. No, it wasn’t that I didn’t pay them. I had a grant, but apparently they messed up if i was married or not, so they denied my grant since they thought I was married and when they went to correct it I had already finished my term and now I owe them for the whole term. The payment is close to $1800.00. Which doesn’t sound like a lot. In all honestly if I ignored my other debt and just focused on it, I probably could have paid it off faster but I would have been in more trouble in other areas. Either way, here I am, close to paying off one thing, and only a couple hundred off of being able to enroll in school again. It’s strange to think of going back after such a long break, I’m actually kind of scared. There’s a part of me that also wants to do a certification for grant writing, but I’m not too sure if I should go for it or not. Unfortunately with me there’s a lot of doubt, a lot of wondering, a lot of being unsure about pretty much everything. I feel like I jump into things before I’m ready but if I wait too long I usually just drop them. I don’t feel like there is a middle ground with me. Normally I find myself letting opportunities pass me by, but if I jump headfirst into something I feel overwhelmed and normally end up failing. I need a chance I think, I need one to actually do something worthwhile. No more customer service, no more technical support. I need to write. I just need one little lead and I’m grab it and run. Feel free to comment advice below if you have any ❤
Oftentimes we end up looking back on what we’ve had and wondering how we managed to drop so far. Recently this has been true of me, as it has been in the past as well. With my life I look back to when I felt I was more successful. I had my own place, I could afford more, my job paid out more, I felt more free. Currently I’m living with my parents mostly because even though my job pays me almost double minimum wage I still can’t afford a little crappy apartment. I get it, this is one of those times you get a roommate, but I’m not really the social type. That and I don’t trust people to pay their part. I found that I held one job to be better above all my others. Why you ask? It paid more, I was able to support myself, so it seemed to be the best to me. The people weren’t awful, the company screwed me over, but I suppose I’m use to that. Now I’m in a similar company in terms of profession, except now I do tech support. I find myself still having some of the same issues but in different way, but the pay is less.
Now don’t worry, this isn’t an entire complain piece, there is a point to it.
On Monday, I was sitting here thinking about what to do with my life when I noticed a group of people walk by me. That wasn’t too odd, they’ve been hiring a lot of people lately. What made me double take is that I noticed some people. Taking a second look at them, I realized most of the people in that group were from the job that I always think back on. Shocked about this, I grew curious. Why would they leave such a job! The pay was so good! Finally I managed to talk to one later that day, they told me the company took a chance by buying lines in Southern Florida and bluntly enough, the flopped. Apparently their health care per month doubled, most of their benefits either went away or it doubled in price. They changed to a new host company, there was more mandatory overtime and they also laid people off. It find it interesting because of how much I looked back on it. Currently I have a job, and I’m happy I have one, but I constantly looked back on that one as the “what if I stayed” type of thing. Looking at it now, I would have been jobless again. Though it’s harsh to say, I’m somewhat relieved. I don’t have to look back on that job wondering if I missed out on a huge opportunity.
The last piece of this conversation is mostly my mindset currently. I’ve been trying to find direction with my life. Unfortunately I’m one of those people that likes to plan. Since I can’t plan too much that I need to take care of, I’ve just at a loss. I need to get back into college, but I need to pay it first. I need to find a job I don’t feel like is pointless. I sometimes don’t even know what I want. I’ve just been so lost.
Sorry if some of the content seems a bit scatterbrained but at points I just don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.
Hello all! I know it’s been a little while since I last posted. So I’ll start with apologies. I know I was trying to get everything sorted out so I could post in a more organized pattern, which I didn’t throw out, I do plan on doing just that. Unfortunately, some things in my life came up that’s making it very difficult to do much of anything other than work or sleep. I’m not really sure how my fan base swings in terms of my personal life, but I suppose I’ll post it up here so you all at least know I’m not just purposely slacking.
Since about July I’ve been having multiple health issues and have been having a hard time keeping a job because of them. I believe I made a post towards this a time or two, but thankfully it seems the overall severity has gone down. I’m no longer passing out randomly and the internal bleeding that was causing it all has no been taken care of. I had a job for the first half of this blog at a call center doing customer service through their chat system. It seemed to all be great and well, but unfortunately when I started getting sick, they didn’t care about any proof of those letters, nor did they care about any other proof as to why I was absent. Due to that, they counted it as an unexcused absence which ultimately turned into termination.
About a month of being very careful with my diet and going in for checkups, I was finally able to get another job. This time everything I was told at the interview was completely wrong. I was told it would be a full time position doing exactly what I was doing before, just for another company. It sounded like the perfect way to get back into things after being sick. What the job actually was – well, was a lot different. It was a call center job where you made outbound calls to people on behalf of dealerships. Some were to tell people there were recalls, others were those annoying calls you get from your dealership that practically beg you to come in and service your call. To say it was a complete lie of a job description was an understatement, but after losing the prior job, I needed a source of income and I already had to give up my home. I lasted about 3 months there before I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand the idea of trying to force things on people and being that annoying caller interrupting you at dinner. That and I was not prepared for being on the phone.
Skipping through a couple of crap interviews, I finally stumbled along a chance with another call center. This time, it was a company I had actually heard of. I took the chance and applied, but I didn’t hear from them for what seemed like forever. Soon enough, like 4 weeks later they finally called me in for training. I believe my training was about 4 weeks and then I was on the phone helping with customer service and billing, but no sales, and all inbound calling. It was such a stark difference from the annoying outbound pushy calls I had to make that it was a relief. Thankful for that, I started to take my life back.
Once more, as I have mentioned much before, I hit my surge of bad luck. I had attempted to sell my electric guitar on craigslist in a desperate attempt to pay one of my bills. This would be before my first paycheck to this job, which was a 3 week wait. I got my money from the guy and all seemed well, until it came back as a scam. Though I had plenty of evidence and all the guys information.[Address, bank number, phone numbers and actual name]. The bank was determined that I did this to get more money from myself and it was clearly in another account somewhere. I figured that if I talked to someone higher up and gave them all the guys information it would show that I was innocent in this case, but apparently that isn’t how credit unions work. All the money I got from that sale went to billls, so I didn’t have any of it to give back, but they didn’t care. For weeks I argued with them attempting to show them, even with the deposit slips, the guys acocunt numbers and everything for them to just go after him instead, but finally it came to a standstill where they gave me a choice. Pay back the full amount that he took [he took $1700, I only received $300], or we will press charges. As I’m sure you all are aware, I’m rather young, I don’t want something like that on my record, escpecially not when I’m trying to fix my life after my sickness practically destroyed it.
Left with no other alternative, I’ve been paying it back, one giant chunk [+interest of course…] at a time. That would lead us up to today. The home I had been living at is gone, I currently reside with my family, and I’m trying to pay off the debt that quickly accrued during those four months. Though my creativity hasn’t gone away and I have plenty of ideas still going on, it’s been slower. So for those who has stayed subscribed, I thank you so much for your patience with me! I will definitely catch back up with writing. I’m in the midst of polishing the Thiris story line as well as a couple refreshes on important characters to make them more relevant: Salem, Rena, Rikka. I did write some things with Moriah, unfortunately someone kind of ruined that for me, so I think there is only one more post of Moriah incoming.
I will make sure to post some things around the holidays since I did miss Thanksgiving this time, however most of my time is stuck working to pay off my rather pushy credit union that honestly believes I stole from them
Lastly for those who asked about donation buttons, I did put up the paypal button on the side. Any money donated will go towards this page. Firstly on renewing the sub that’s up in about a month I believe. If we were to hit that goal for whatever reason, I will see what all you guys want from me next and use it for that.
Well that’s all for now!
Temporarily pausing my writing for a couple days to possibly a week. I’ll try to do a life update writing thing here soon. Things have just been hectic. Send me any requests you have whether it be reviews, edits, drawings or writings, I’ll always take time to read them over 🙂
Life is such an oddity. There are so many determining factors that make people different. From hair color, to style to even posture! Even in nature, animals have slight differences. Maybe it’s the color of their fur or feathers, or even their body shape or size. You can even find difference in plant life. Some flows may have more petals, or may have a longer stem. Even no two rocks are exactly the same. The world is full of determining factors that allow life to be special.
That aside, if all of this allows us to be different, and everyone wants to be special. Then why? WHY!? do some many people try to be someone else? Who cares if that one model says that her dress is the new best thing. Who cares? I get that material goods are found by looking, but still not every dress works for every body type, or even your style. If there is a way to be special, and you want to be special, then why are you trying to be someone else?
This isn’t for all models, but for most, the pictures you see and the real deal seem to be very different. Most magazine pictures go through a lot of editing. Ever seen photoshops gone wrong? The magazines should be labeled “Photoshop gone right” There you go, don’t go into crazy diets to show your ribs. Find a comfortable weight for yourself. Be you, not that photoshopped bitch in the magazine.
Hmm let’s make bullet points!
- The south is unbearably hot
- Satellite internet is awful
- I’m horribly procrastinating everything in life
- A lot of drawing ideas
Any who, enough bullet points. My living situation hasn’t changes so I’m still wrong the satellite internet. I’ve been able to find a couple things to do with my time, which you’ll see in upcoming posts. Currently, in my life, I’ve had a lot of time for reflection and thoughts. [Mostly because my job is brainless] My life is in an odd spot. I’m in my mid-twenties, and I feel I am behind in life. Though there are many of my old friends that have kids, that doesn’t bother me. I’m in no position for raising a child. Some are married or engages, but that doesn’t really bother me either. Considering I’m not the type to point fingers, I’ll never call them out, but I feel too many of them rushed into marriage.
Maybe I see things differently, but you shouldn’t go into marriage with the idea of getting a divorce if it doesn’t work. To me, marriage is a very important decision; there shouldn’t be a cop out. Except for extreme circumstances such as abuses and things of that degree. I get that everyone wants to be happy and find their “soulmate” but then shouldn’t we take our time and not rush into things? The average life expectancy is between 70 and 85, some even high 90’s. Then why rush into a marriage in your twenties? You’re not even half way through your life! You have a chance to do wonderful things and you don’t have to be married or have kids to do so. I’m not sure if people are aware of this, but you don’t have to be married in order to be in love.
The whole I’m going to get pregnant and trap this guy is awful. The lets have kids so the government gives us money is even worse. To trap someone will mostly likely end bad.
Aside from that rant, the things that do actually bother me is my job and college situation. My job luck is terrible, I normally can’t get the jobs I really want. I get sick and lose the jobs I have and I seem to do all of this around a bad luck spurt to make sure it’s as bad a possible. As for my college, I burn with a fury over that situation. I’m only three regular classes from being done with my major, then it’s just my minor classes then I would have my bachelors.
I’ve been wondering for a while now, how I can continued to do what I love while making something. Even something would be enough to make me happy. I just don’t know what. I’ve been told about patreon, but I’m not sure how that works and I thought it was only for videos. I mean I could attempt to paint or draw on camera, but I would most likely get anxious and just not do it. Not to mention I don’t use a tablet so that would mean face time! I’m mostly wondering if there’s an outlet I haven’t explored in terms of writing. The again I’m not even sure what the majority of my followers are here for. I do wonder which is more popular, my writing or art.
Who knows, maybe this is all I got. I find myself wondering why everyone’s so quiet, I rarely see comments. The likes and follows I get, make me all sorts of giddy [so much thank you]. I love to see that people find my work interesting or amusing. I’ve very grateful to all that have taken the time to ready my posts and like them. Honestly, it means much more than you all could ever believe, so thank you!
When it comes in confidence, it is mostly reliant to how you feel about yourself. Seeing as my whole life has been spent behind a collection of masks, it’s hard to accept the me I’ve been hiding. It has been a long journey to be me, and even then, I’m terrified to show other sides of me. Most people have straightforward traits that mesh well. My traits are a train wreck. The traits I show to everyone would be shy, quiet, caring loyal, creative and determined. Those who get closer see competitive, overprotective, and overcritical of a little psycho and myself. The side I’m afraid of is kind of a bitch.
For anime fans, the side I show is the typical sweet selfless girl. My friends see the yandere and the side I hide is the tsundere. When it comes to confidence, it’s hard to have when you only accept part of yourself. The other issue would be my condition. No matter how hard I try, when I look in the mirror I see something false. Body dysmorphic disorder is something I’ve had since high school. It caused me to go to such extremes I even turned to anorexia for a time. Even now, I fight this, thankfully not as bad. I constantly find myself thinking, maybe I shouldn’t eat today, and maybe it would help. When I look in the mirror, my proportions are skewed to me. My thighs look huge, my chest flat, my stomach like a pregnant girls, my hair looks like a mess always and my face is like butter.
People compliment me sometimes and my instant reaction is shock, followed by doubt.
“They complement me because they feel bad.” It’s what has happened my whole life. I have a measuring tape near me so I can get rid of the dread. It’s hard to say that numbers lie. Though you’d think that would make it worse, it doesn’t, seeing the numbers helps me realize my vision of myself is wrong. Unfortunately, I know what would fix it and I do know why it got so bad. For years, I didn’t eat either daily or only had one meal a day. Why? Because anorexia mostly, or my big lack of confidence that believed I didn’t deserve that. Currently things aren’t as bad. I make sure to at least eat twice daily, and because of that, I have been putting on some weight. Why? I never ate this much, like ever. I know it’s making me healthier, but I also know my body isn’t use to it. Unfortunately, my currently living arrangement makes it hard to eat healthy food, but I’m sure eating something not as healthy is better than not eating at all.
I currently live in the hot south, where 90-degree weather with no windflaw is common. Unfortunately, my current room is without AC, which takes away pretty much all my drive and my want to do nothing but lay around or sleep.
When I am able to get an AC unit, I do plan to start attempting to work out. Not so much for looks, but maybe it would make me feel better, help boost my self-esteem a bit. Normally I always give up before trying because I don’t think I’m able to do it.
The purpose of this entire thing is to point out the importance of confidence. Confidence can be a wonderful thing. If you have enough of it, no one can shake you, you’re able to laugh at yourself and allover be happy with you as a person. Without confidence, well you can turn towards depression, self-loathing, and other horrid things I’d rather not get into. So many things can morph a person, but confidence can help change a bad feel at your own life into a much better life.
While I work on my own confidence, I hope that you either all have it, or aspire to have it for yourself.