I constantly find myself sitting in my room, or at work, or in my car thinking about life. I can’t seem to help myself. I constantly reflect on where I am now compared to where I was like a year ago, or maybe five years ago, and so on. Lately I’ve been thinking about college, I know I want to go back. I know I need to go back. I need to do it for me. I’ve been trying to save up the money to pay back the last term where my whole university account was messed up. No, it wasn’t that I didn’t pay them. I had a grant, but apparently they messed up if i was married or not, so they denied my grant since they thought I was married and when they went to correct it I had already finished my term and now I owe them for the whole term. The payment is close to $1800.00. Which doesn’t sound like a lot. In all honestly if I ignored my other debt and just focused on it, I probably could have paid it off faster but I would have been in more trouble in other areas. Either way, here I am, close to paying off one thing, and only a couple hundred off of being able to enroll in school again. It’s strange to think of going back after such a long break, I’m actually kind of scared. There’s a part of me that also wants to do a certification for grant writing, but I’m not too sure if I should go for it or not. Unfortunately with me there’s a lot of doubt, a lot of wondering, a lot of being unsure about pretty much everything. I feel like I jump into things before I’m ready but if I wait too long I usually just drop them. I don’t feel like there is a middle ground with me. Normally I find myself letting opportunities pass me by, but if I jump headfirst into something I feel overwhelmed and normally end up failing. I need a chance I think, I need one to actually do something worthwhile. No more customer service, no more technical support. I need to write. I just need one little lead and I’m grab it and run. Feel free to comment advice below if you have any ❤
Normally I’m not one to review apps, but this one has all but saved my life. So I recently switched to android and I was annoyed that all the alarm sounds are so damn quiet, and honestly I sleep like a dead girl. I found this app while trying to find an alarm app. I looked through the comments saw the words “Solve a math problem” and got curious. So this works like any other alarm, set it to the time you want and it works perfectly. The difference? How you turn off the alarm. Say goodbye to hitting snooze until you’re late. It won’t let you [well you could keep it on normal setting], but there are many ways to turn off the alarm. You can take a picture, scan a bar code, shake it, or solve a math problem. Now I know the math thing sounds pretty dumb but it will not stop ringing until you solve a set amount. You can set the difficulty ranging from simple 10+12 math to much more difficult math such as 1012×4721+356-10. Not only that, you can set it to be one problem you complete up to 6 you have to complete. It will not, unless the phone dies, stop going off unless you do them. For someone like me, who is terrible at math and also smacks the snooze button while half awake, this is great. Annoying as heck, but it wakes me up, so it’s amazing. So if you have issues trying to wake up in the morning, this is for you!
So to explain what happened with my promises I have a very reasonable response! About a week ago I went to start scheduling out posts, all the edits, the writing, the remake in characters, and all the ideas, except I forgot one crucial piece. Access to wordpress. For whatever reason, I lost access to my wordpress. I’m not entirely sure what happened, even now I don’t. I went to log in as I always do. The reader would just show the loading page and if I went to my site’s preferences, it told me I didn’t have one. Of course I panicked, but thankfully I could bring up the website itself, just not the editing portion or any of the details. I checked almost everyday up until yesterday, and then randomly today, it just came back.
No idea what happened, I even tried the website after clearing cookies, on another computer, it was just my page. So strange, but! We’re back now and I’ll be posting the edits and such tonight. I have quite a few I need to schedule. So we’ll be back, a bit slower than I would like, but back nonetheless!
I’ll be doing a couple video game reviews and a couple other things. I actually have lined up a series review here soon, I just need to find the time to do so. I’ll also be doing a mod review for terraria, nothing too in depth but I love that game and feel I should highlight it a bit. There will also be some Final Fantasy horror stories coming out, I feel like that may be my next “column” I may even do some fun reactions to any if people send them in ^^
Don’t worry, I know I still need to uphold the 100 subscriber portion, which I will be doing here soon!
Things to come:
-Art trade with Yukine
-Fan Commission extravaganza
-LOTS of picture edits
-Terraria mods overview
-Your Name review
-Castlevania netflix series [when I watch it]
-Rena/Rikka a cleaned up profile/small revisions/ fine tuning
-MMO horror stories- what you never want to hear- new series?
-life thoughts- where to go from here?
-painting [soon? .™]
-Alarmy review- my savior
-guilds and me- why they don’t work
-Sub and Dom, this needs to be said
-A look back on roleplaying, my sad conclusion
-The death of rp characters- a glance back
-some form of video, I don’t know what, but some video where you can at least hear me
Today’s agenda is very lose because…
OH MY GOSH WE HIT 100 SUBS!
When I first made this website, I told myself I was going to become a great writer. I was going to post all the time and I would let people see my odd style for writing. Let people fall in love, or interest with my characters. I never really planned for my art or crafts to end up on here. I don’t even remember what made me try.
The idea behind Kanna’s Disguise was pretty simple. I was a young girl and I wanted to write and sometimes I wanted to write about people I knew. Instead of being dumb and getting caught when I [inevitably] trash talked them, I took on a pen name. At the time, I was around some people that liked to nickname based on the anime Inuyasha, and me being the short quiet girl I was, got the nickname Kanna. I didn’t see a problem with it, and well it’s kinda went with me ever since. Perhaps this name didn’t hide me nearly as much as I wanted, but it was my thoughts at the time.
Fast forward to now. I want to be a writer. I want to write stories that engage the reader and take them out of their current world and into another. I always felt that I wrote to escape, so I wanted my readers to escape too. Perhaps I take too long in my world creation or my character editing that I’ve gotten a bit away from actual stories, but I feel like I’m improving. Over the year that I’ve had this website I’ve had a lot of change with my writing and my life. Oddly enough you all have stayed, I don’t think anyone’s unsubbed from me, and I thank you all for that. I have many plans for this website and perhaps hitting this 100 subs was what I needed to light a fire.
That aside, as this is not so much about me, and about all of you, we’ll do a bit of a fun thing again. Let me know what you guys want! I’ll put up a poll here soon with the following:
-reviews of games/movies
and again THANK YOU ALL ❤
I find my life to be like looking into a book. It just feels so surreal. Obviously I know it actually happened, but oftentimes I wonder if it’s fabricated and what I believe to be true isn’t. I find myself lost in thought often, wondering the purpose of my existence. Wondering if I make my muse’s life harder. If there was a blimp in reality and I’m not suppose to exist. People say that you learn to live with your depression, but mine is a gnawing quicksand that threatens to consume me. I don’t know where it came from. I may have created it myself without knowing it, I know that I caused my own self hatred driven out of my want to be perfect. It’s possible I caused my own anxiety and depression issues, but how do you deal with that? Most people would agree that you can’t get rid of depression, that it won’t ever go away fully and you’re stuck dealing with it or focusing on something else so you don’t have to deal with it. For years I’ve just focused on other things, but I’m squishy when it comes to emotions.
Emotions, me and them?
To most, emotions are a part of your existence. You feel sad, happy, lonely, scared or angry. Everyone expresses them differently, to some they put on a fake face and pretend they aren’t there. For me, I am too emotional. If I get really happy I cry, if I’m sad, I cry. If I’m really angry I’ll end up crying. For some reason I can’t handle intense emotions without just crying. I hate it. It makes me seem weak, it makes me feel vulnerable.
Oftentimes we end up looking back on what we’ve had and wondering how we managed to drop so far. Recently this has been true of me, as it has been in the past as well. With my life I look back to when I felt I was more successful. I had my own place, I could afford more, my job paid out more, I felt more free. Currently I’m living with my parents mostly because even though my job pays me almost double minimum wage I still can’t afford a little crappy apartment. I get it, this is one of those times you get a roommate, but I’m not really the social type. That and I don’t trust people to pay their part. I found that I held one job to be better above all my others. Why you ask? It paid more, I was able to support myself, so it seemed to be the best to me. The people weren’t awful, the company screwed me over, but I suppose I’m use to that. Now I’m in a similar company in terms of profession, except now I do tech support. I find myself still having some of the same issues but in different way, but the pay is less.
Now don’t worry, this isn’t an entire complain piece, there is a point to it.
On Monday, I was sitting here thinking about what to do with my life when I noticed a group of people walk by me. That wasn’t too odd, they’ve been hiring a lot of people lately. What made me double take is that I noticed some people. Taking a second look at them, I realized most of the people in that group were from the job that I always think back on. Shocked about this, I grew curious. Why would they leave such a job! The pay was so good! Finally I managed to talk to one later that day, they told me the company took a chance by buying lines in Southern Florida and bluntly enough, the flopped. Apparently their health care per month doubled, most of their benefits either went away or it doubled in price. They changed to a new host company, there was more mandatory overtime and they also laid people off. It find it interesting because of how much I looked back on it. Currently I have a job, and I’m happy I have one, but I constantly looked back on that one as the “what if I stayed” type of thing. Looking at it now, I would have been jobless again. Though it’s harsh to say, I’m somewhat relieved. I don’t have to look back on that job wondering if I missed out on a huge opportunity.
The last piece of this conversation is mostly my mindset currently. I’ve been trying to find direction with my life. Unfortunately I’m one of those people that likes to plan. Since I can’t plan too much that I need to take care of, I’ve just at a loss. I need to get back into college, but I need to pay it first. I need to find a job I don’t feel like is pointless. I sometimes don’t even know what I want. I’ve just been so lost.
Sorry if some of the content seems a bit scatterbrained but at points I just don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how people perceive things. As most of you already know, I’m in my mid twenties. Due to this, I find a good amount of people that expect me to be at a certain part in my life. It’s a bit annoying for someone to be like “well why don’t you have kids?” or the even more popular one of “why don’t you have a real job?”. One, who are you to tell me what is and isn’t a job? Does it provide me with income? yes. Does it take up an obscene amount of my time? yes. Do I have taxes taken out of it? Yes. Sounds like a job to me? As for the kids thing, not to be rude, but, I thought you should only have kids if you’re either financially stable or ready for them. I am not either, thus I have no kids.
I don’t like the idea of social stigmas. People can choose to have kids when they want to, or even not at all. No one should be “shamed” upon for not having a kid. If anything I don’t want to bring a kid into a house where I have no time to spend with he/she, or any money to buy them toys/movies/clothes ect. Call it what you will but I’m the one being intelligent.
The idea of a “real” job is silly. If it pays you and you pay taxes, it’s a real job. Period. Most of the people that job shame don’t even have those “real” jobs that they’re referring to. They seem to think of cushy business jobs in a skyscraper that does paperwork all day as a “real” job, yet they’re working retail.
Just a small rant due to the amount of time I’ve been getting “well why don’t you have a kid yet?”. Well I’m not ready for one, I’m not living with my bf, I don’t know if he’s ready for one, maybe I don’t want one right now? The reasons can be endless, but a TLDR, don’t tell people how to live their life.